Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” —Sharon Stone
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Borrow money from a pessimist, they don't expect it back.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.